Men’s Ministry – What I would do differently – from organising to discipling

Men ‘s ministry is hard work. It’s been at this for the past 10 yrs and when I look back on it there seems to be so little fruit for all that I’ve put into it. Work doesn’t make it any easier these days. It’s becoming crazier and crazier. Men are working longer and crazier hours and so it’s hard to organise anything to bring them together. On top of this men are not good in talking and so it’s hard to get them to open up. But also many men are not convinced there is a need for such a thing. So it’s hard.

I still believe it is a very strategic ministry so I’m not one for giving up on this one so easily, but what to do? This is not easy and it seems that a lot of other churches have similar problems.

Anyway the men’s committee had a major pow wow. We’ve organised many men’s dinners  but every year the numbers get fewer and fewer and fewer. After a quick stock-take of the situation, just out of the blue,  I decided to ask the guys if they knew how to grow another man in Christ and/or if they were discipling anyone?  Their answer was a reality check for me. All of them said NO! This floored me. In my mind I felt like hitting my head against a brick wall. I had been organising men’s dinner for many years in the hope of growing men into men of God, but  when we get down to the grassroots, if the leaders weren’t personally and actively discipling other men, or worse still, didn’t know how to do it, then why would I, or should I expect other men to be able to do it? Events and programs are important, but they can never be a substitute for the unimpressive ministry of discipling others.

Training is very big on my agenda. I’ve always made it a point to train all my committees in ministry and to remember it’s always about people. But I wonder if I’ve ever trained my leaders and committee members to actually be discipleship makers?

Committees, as we all know can be notorious for organising one thing after another. In reaction to this we keep drumming into our leaders that ministry is all about people and not programs. Granted. This is the catch cry of recent generations. However focusing on people is one thing but teaching our leaders and committee members to be discipleship makers is more than just focusing on people – it’s thinking about how to “personally” grow people.

My team members wanted to focus on people but when asked if they knew how to grow people – they didn’t. Shock horror! So as I said, if the leadership doesn’t know how to grow people by discipling them then why am I busting my guts, spending all my time trying to organise one event after another. OK there is a place for events. I’m not against this, but I guess my problem was that I had been distracted into getting my team to organise events when I should have got them into discipling one or two or if possible three men. (More than just focusing on people)

When I think about this, if I had started this 10 yrs ago when I first started the men’s ministry who knows where it would be now? Maybe I would have had many many more men growing in Christlikeness and reaching and growing other men.

Men’s ministry – What would I do differently? Yes, I probably would still organised the one or two  men’s events in the year, but I think I would have also spent more time teaching the committee and challenging them to start discipling one, two or three men.

So I want to say this: Ministry is not about programs, nor is it about people. It is about discipling people into Christlikeness. Yes committee have an important role in the organisation of the ministry without which nothing would happen, but this should never be an excuse for them not to disciple a few people as part of their responsibility.

Premarital counselling – An overrated service

Let me be a bit controversial here. I think all the premarital counselling stuff we do with couples is simply just too over-rated. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for it, however I think we place way too much reliance on this. What I find is that the only time when a couple really thinks seriously about their marriage is just before marriage and probably for the next few years ( while the romance is there and they don’t have children), but once that’s all gone, in many cases, the next time they’ll think about marriage is when their marriage is falling apart. Now this might seem a bit harsh (OK call it rhetoric), but I wonder if there is some truth in this. Nevertheless the point I’m trying to make is that it is totally nuts to think that the premarital counselling course we go on will get us through the next 20, 30 or 40 yrs of marriage. This has as much sense as someone thinking that all they need to do to keep their car running well is to read the user manual in the glove box just ONCE and that is it – no service, no tune up, nothing! Now that is totally, absolutely, out of this world crazy, and yet that is the sort of logic that people have when it comes to marriage and their premarital counselling course. Like I said, the only real time that people think seriously about their own marriage is just before marriage and for the next few years. After that – next to nothing.

Now the key to keeping our cars running smooth and efficient is to regularly service it every 5000 kms or, for the stinge 10,000kms. It’s no different with marriage. Marriage leaves a car dead for the sort of knocks it goes through. And sadly, the divorce rate in our country is a testimony to just how much of a beating marriage gets. However it does need to be said that it is not as bad as Russia. I was reading the other day that the divorce rate in Russia is running at 80%.

So what is the key to keeping the marriage lean and mean? It is not the premarital counselling course we go on – important as they are. It’s the regular tune up we get every few years. Regularly servicing your marriage is crucial. In marriage things quickly get out of sync and we need to regularly service our marriage to bring things back into alignment. Not to do so is like waiting to service our car when everything is falling apart, and as we all know, by that time it will be a major expense if not beyond repair.

Just one other thing. Now I don’t know who is reading this. I suspect that most of the time its the girls, because talking about “premarital counselling” is not a manly thing. Never mind. Whoever it is here is one vital and crucial tip for promoting this new idea. Always always pitch this idea to the men and NOT to the women. Why? Women are always ready to jump at anything that will help grow their marriage, so you don’t have to convince them. They’re already sold. Men are different. What are passionate about? Men are passionate about growing their business or their career. Sure they are passionate about growing their marriage, but usually only in the first few years of married life. Once all the romance has died down, and the career picks up, or when they get their new super duper Xbox, or PS3 guess where their minds are? Yes this might be harsh but again call it rhetoric. The other thing is that even if a woman is convinced, they have donkey’s chance of being able to drag their husband along to something like this. In fact if the men are not convinced you will probably find that the women may not actually. On the other hand if you can get the men, then you will have very little problem getting the women to come. Therefore if you want to promote marriage enrichment courses think about how to pitch it to men. Make it a manly thing. In fact why not make the “marriage enrichment” course something driven by the men’s ministry rather than, as in many cases, by the women. One final tip. When you pitch it to men, don’t call it “Marriage Enrichment” course. This just does not appeal to men. Maybe call it “Tune up your marriage” ?

So if you’re getting married – don’t forget that it needs a regular tune up to keep all its cylinders firing.

Being a Man, being a leader?

If there is one thing I’m passionate about it’s men’s ministry simply because it’s so lacking in so many churches. For me, men’s ministry is not just a ministry to men, nor is it just another department in our already crowded church calender. Men’s ministry is ultimately a ministry to leaders, which is why it is so strategic for the health of the church. Men are born leaders. In God’s scheme of things, men are called to lead in their marriage, in their family, in the church and in the community (Gen 2:18; 1 Cor 11:3; 1 Tim 2:11-15). Therefore if you grow the men, you’ll grow strong marriages, raise great kids and build an awesome church. Now please don’t get me wrong. I don’t think it is the only ministry. All the ministries are important, eg family, marriage, kids, singles – let’s have them all, but I think growing men is a particularly “strategic” ministry in the church.

The tragedy however is that most men are pretty bad at this. Some are abusive both verbally and physically. Others are just ‘mummy boys’. Others are just down right neglectful. I was at a conference just recently and every guy I spoke to had real problems with their dads. They wanted to connect with their dads but their dads were often away, switched off, a monster or someone lacking backbone – Harsh words but that’s how these guys felt. You see, whether we like to acknowledge it or not that’s how God has wired us and the world and if we fail to live up to our God given design and calling everyone else suffers. The girl suffers, the wife suffers and the kids suffers.

The strange thing I find is that even when the woman is a down-right feminist, or at least a feline version of Clint Eastwood (maybe his too old for most of you guys reading this) they still want a man who is a real man, not a wimp. I’ve noticed in many churches, that even when the woman is obviously the one who wears the pants, they wish they didn’t have to. They’d prefer the man to take the lead, BUT because he doesn’t, or when he does he does it in the “wrong” way then she has to do it herself. Pretty sad isn’t it!

On the other hand, when the man finally realizes that he needs to be serious, the question that comes to mind is, “How do you lead your girlfriend or spouse?” Strange as it may seem this is not an easy question for men to answer. It’s difficult because most men (well the one’s that I know of anyway) have never had any good role models to follow, myself included.

So where can he learn how to be a leader? Sadly, it is often from the woman. Hmmmm? Often it’s the woman telling the man how to lead. And if it’s not the woman, then it’s our silver screen heroes who only feel like a man when they’re blowing up their enemies (Not a good model) or fooling around (aka James bond – Definitely not a good model). Alternatively we can look to leaders like Obama (Should I include Rudd?), or to Steve Jobs (Yep I’m a mac man through and through) to find out what it means to be a leader.

Ok so what do we do? What makes a man a good leader? Let me suggest that the key to being a good leader lies in being a good follower. If we want to learn how to lead our girlfriends, or wives, or family or our youth group, or church or whatever – we can read all the books we like on leadership, but at the end of the day, what is really most important is who we follow, and in our case it is the Lord Jesus Himself. As we follow His lead, so others will want to follow our lead. Think about it. An abusive and violent man is not following the Lord Jesus. He is following his own sinful and perverse passions. A “mummy’s” boy is not following the Lord Jesus, but his mummy, or his wife, worse still his kids. A neglectful man is not following the Lord Jesus, but probably following his work, his hobbies, his mates etc. In contrast the man who is indeed worth following is the man who is following someone worth following.

Therefore, it is not firstly about skills, personalities, or talents. These thing are not necessarily wrong, but they do not lie at the heart of what it takes to be a good leader. If we want to be a good spiritual leader then learn how to be a good follower of the Lord Jesus. And when we can do this others will follow.

Teaching men to be good followers of Jesus is truly a priceless key to producing men who will be good leaders for our women, our church and our world. Nothing more and certainly nothing less.

Hmmm. What are your thoughts?

PS: A word to the women.

What can the women do when most of the key leaders in their churches are women, and most of the husbands are wimps? Here is a simple suggestion. Gather the women in your church, start a women’s ministry (if you haven’t already) and, alongside the study of scripture, make it the priority and the role of the women’s ministry to pray pray pray for all the men in the church. Pray for the husbands, the fathers, the brothers, the sons etc. Pray that they will be good followers of Jesus in order that they might be good leaders for others. And as you keep praying, stand back and watch what God will do for the men in your church.