The cost of forgiving

Forgiveness is not the easiest thing to do yet it is probably the most important thing to do in restoring relationships. Real forgiveness can be painful and gut wrenching yet it is necessary.  Of course we can try and avoid the problem and locate the cause of broken relationships to many other things.

Today we talk a lot about the need to understand each other and recognise our differences. In other words the cause of broken relationships is simply due to miscommunication.  So the better we understand each other the better we will communicate and thus avoid conflict and create peace and harmony.

This assumes, of course, that the other person has “Our” best interest at heart and that they merely said things in the wrong way, or we misunderstood them. Sometimes this is true. Sadly, in so many cases, it is not so. Let’s be honest. There are people out there who are driven by pure and unadulterated greed and/or selfishness and has cause untold grief to others. And no matter how much we try and reason with them, it simply goes in one ear and out the other. You cannot reason greed and selfishness out of people.

How then do we deal when other people’s greed or selfishness has been the cause of much grief in our life?  There are two common ways. Firstly, we can fight fire with fire! They hurt us so we will hurt them. But as experience shows this only leads to third world war. Alternatively, we just split up and go our separate ways. This is what happens in marriage. Couples split up or divorce. It sounds nice but all this does is create clique  groups that tries to keep ‘unwanted’ people out.

What is the biblical alternative? The bible’s answer is that we need to forgive each other, or at least be willing to forgive. Forgiveness is the ONLY thing that can deal with hurt and open the door for reconciliation. Without this there is no chance. No chance whatsoever. We can be polite and courteous around our ‘enemies’ but there is no reconciliation, no real restoration. There maybe an air of peace but it is only the peace of the absence of warfare but not the peace of real reconciliation.

So forgiveness is the “only” way to open the door to restoration. But talking about it is one thing. Doing it is something very very different. How do we do it? It is so hard. It is so painful. It’s too difficult.

How do we do it? Often we will look for ways to make it easy and not so painful. Maybe we can allow some distance between the hurt and the forgiveness. They often say “time heals all wounds!” but experience shows that this is nothing more than empty sentimentalism. What time does is allow us to bury the hurt but does not deal with the hurt.

So what is the key to being able to forgive someone else? Maybe the reality is that forgiveness was never ever meant to be easy. Maybe that’s just the way it is – forgiveness will always be difficult. Maybe all our quest to find a way to make it “easy” for ourselves fails to understand the nature of forgiveness.

And if this is the case the question is not “How can I do it?” but “Am I willing to do it?”. The issue is not the way to do it but the willingness to do. But our willingness to offer forgiveness also means a willingness to accept the pain that comes with forgiving others.

So learning to forgive is not about forgiving in a way that is easy. Learning to forgive is about coming to that point when we are prepared to count the cost of forgiving someone else, painful as it.

People often talk about loving others until it hurts. This sounds nice and noble but what this means is that once it starts hurting we stop loving . For the disciple of the Lord Jesus this is not good enough. Our call and challenge is to love EVEN when it hurts. That’s painful! Really painful.

Forgiveness is not the easiest thing to do, dare I say, it is probably the most difficult, if not a near impossible feat to do if we are serious about restoring relationships. In fact I would say that forgiving others requires a super human powers. Is it any wonder that the world has no way of dealing with conflict because it has no power to forgive. However, for the Christian person, forgiveness is possible. I’m not saying it is easy. It will still be painful. But it is possible. Not easy but possible. Not pain-free but possible.

But when you think about it, it can’t be any other way. For God to be able to forgive us was not cheap. It was a costly exercise. It cost him the life of his own son. When Jesus cried out “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” He was experiencing in His body the cost of bringing forgiveness to a rebellious world.

Being able to forgive is not about finding a way that is easy, but about being willing to accept it’s cost. Until we come to that point there can never be true and real forgiveness.

In writing this I am not saying that I am an expert in this. Far from it. This is something I still struggle with. I have to admit, there are people who have hurt me deeply and, to my shame, I don’t know if I have come to that point of being able to accept the cost of forgiveness as yet.

What should I pray for?

38 Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” 39 Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”
Matthew 26:38, 39, NIV.

Forgiveness is not easy, not pain-free but for the Christian person, it is possible for we have one who paid the cost to bring us forgiveness.

Let’s stop and ask, instead of second guessing what people think.

Man oh man I’m tired. I just came out of a meeting with a person from another church (the name of which I will keep to myself to protect the innocent and everyone else) complaining, ranting and raving, and criticizing the leadership for various decisions etc. Now I’m not so stupid to believe that the leadership in any and every church is so infallible that their decision are always God inspired.  The reality is that often leaders make mistakes. Often they can be blindsided by their passions and their own experience and tradition, or by a particular reading of scripture. And even when they do get it right or make a good and wise decision it can quickly fall apart by miscommunication and bad communication. Making wrong or ill informed decisions is one thing. Miscommunication or bad communication is still something quite different. However the problem I’m finding over and over and over again is that people start reading all sorts of malicious intentions and conspiracy theories into other people’s actions. In this case I just happen to  know the other side of the story and knew there was a simple and easy explanation for what happened. In this case  it was a simple case of miscommunication. Nothing more and nothing less. Yet despite my attempts to soothe the savage beast, it was like water off the proverbial Ducks back. He would not listen.

I could go on and on but it was so obvious that it was a misunderstanding I just had to laugh (Quietly within myself)

Like I said there are cases where sin is the cause of the conflict, but sadly too often it arises from a mistake. So what do we do in such cases?

a. Always always remember there is two sides of the story. We are too quick to jump to our conclusions. I remember trying to solve the dispute between two people. After hearing one side I was convinced that the other side was wrong and rebellious and needed to repent. But when I talked to the other side – Whoa – I heard a completely different story and he explained clearly what had happened. I did the research and it confirmed his side of the story. So bottom line – DON’T DON’T jump to conclusion. LISTEN LISTEN to other side

b. Distinguish between actions and attitude. In nearly all the conflicts I’ve tried to resolve people keep reading ungodly attitudes into wrong actions. Now I know there are actions which are down right ungodly. But in many of the cases I’ve come across the action was not ungodly just unwise. When I’ve talked to people about what they did they explained to me their intentions – all noble and godly – it’s just that they made an error in Judgement. There was no conspiracy theory. No maliciousness or hurt intended. It was just a simple error of judgement. OK people need to be careful next time. But that being said you don’t smash someone and criticise them because, while their intentions were noble, they made an error in judgement. Now if there was conspiracy theory or ungodly motives then – YES – Rebuke them. But this has not been the case in most of the cases I’ve had to deal with

c. Graciousness in all things. Lastly we need to learn the grace of the Lord Jesus in our dealings with others. We need to learn to forgive, to give people the benefit of the doubt etc etc. And even if we were right and our suspicions were correct we still need to learn to forgive as the Lord Jesus has forgiven us. We need to take seriously Ephesians 4:32

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

After the discussion I asked the person if he is able to give thanks to God for his leaders? You see him squirming and trying to be the pharisee – aiming to love according to the letter of the law but not the spirit of the Law.

So friends, please let’s stop all the conspiracy theories. In all honesty people many people do stupid and silly things even despite their good intentions. But let’s remember that what is important is that we love one another as Christ loved us. By this will the world know that we are his disciples.

Why the Tiger’s fall reminds us of the gospel.

Well it’s hard not to miss all the media attention Tiger Woods has generated in a matter of a few days. Equally noticeable is the flurry of Christian responses to how we should respond to his fall. Not surprisingly the call, and the right call, is for us not to stand arrogant and to think that we are any better. There are so many passages in scripture which speaks to this issue. We need to be humble and to pray for this man’s restoration and reconciliation with his wife and family.

So really there is nothing more to add to this. I guess the only thing I’d say is that, unlike anything else, the fall of someone so well respected as Woods, unfortunate and tragic as it is, draws a sharp and clear distinction between the gospel and the world.

What is the normal response from our community to  Woods’ fall? On the one hand there are those who are completely indignant, furious, outraged and have lost all respect for him. They have looked to him as a good role model but now have felt totally betrayed by the revelation of his sins. As far as they’re concerned they don’t want to have anything to do with him ever again. There is no mercy, no grace and no forgiveness.

On the other hand there are those who, while they are do not like  or agree with what he has done, are nevertheless prepared to overlook it. They argue that because he has contributed so much to the golfing world and to charity, and since no one is perfect we should be prepared to give him a second chance.

The first response takes his transgression seriously and for this reason there is no hope but only continuing shame and condemnation.

In the second response there is hope of salvation but only by ignoring the seriousness of his transgression and the enormous hurt he has done to his family.

This is the conundrum our community finds itself in. It can only take sin seriously and thus condemn the sinner and with no hope of salvation, or else it provides salvation for the sinner, but only by ignoring or down playing the seriousness of the sin and the damage done to others.

In either case there is no justice or no salvation and ultimately no good news.

Over and against this stands the good news of the Lord Jesus Christ, for it offers BOTH Justice AND Salvation. In the gospel the sinner is soundly condemned yet at the same time there is the offer of real forgiveness. What Woods did was wrong and heinous. God condemns such actions without question. Yet at the same time God offers real forgiveness and grace. How does he combine the two? Because it is in the cross of Christ that God pours out his anger on the sinner. Yet it is in the same cross that God pours out his forgiveness to all who would repent and come to Him for forgiveness. I think this is nicely captured in the words of Paul the Apostle.

God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished– he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus. Romans 3:25,26

This passage reminds us that the cross not only brings about our justification but also demonstrates God’s justice.

So back to all the talk about Woods. As mentioned in the beginning, the unfortunate fall of Tiger Woods makes clear the distinction between our community and the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ.

How do we respond? I think there are two ways to respond.

To those who want Tigers’ blood we need to show them there is always forgiveness and salvation in the cross of Christ.

To those who want to tell us to overlook his transgressions and to think about all the good he has done we need to remind them that God did not overlook it but took our sins so seriously that he was prepared to kill his one and only own son because of our sins, Tiger Woods included.

In the gospel both Justice and salvation meet. And isn’t that what the good news of the Lord Jesus is all about?