How to win an argument?

So how do you win and argument? Eventually this is a problem we all face because eventually we all get into an argument, even if it’s with the dog. We are by nature argumentative people. Some more so than others , but we all argue. And when we get into an argument our natural obsession is to win and to win at all cost. So how do we win an argument? Don’t even try because you will loose. In fact everyone in an argument always comes out losing. Why? An argument has some simple rules that ensures everyone loses

1. Win at all cost even if you have to twist what the other person has to say
2. Win at all cost even if you have to pick the holes in everything they say regardless of the context
3. Win at all cost even if it means not listening to their words because you are too obsessed with your own words
4. Win at all cost even if it means reading attitudes, intentions into their words they never meant to be there
5. win at all cost even if it means making a mole into a mountain
6. Win at all cost even if it means making unreasonable conclusions that is not what they intend.
7. Win at all cost even if it will cost you everything, even your friendship
8. Win at all cost because nothing else matters even the other person. He is just collateral damage

No wonder no one wins. Contrast this wih the wise words of Paul the Apostle.

“23 Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. 24 And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. 25 Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, 26 and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.” 2 Timothy 2:23-26, NIV.

From this there are some gold nuggets

1. Don’t get involved in any argument
2. Be Kind – hard call when the opponent has lost their brains
3. not resentful – ditto
4. Gentle – how do you do this if the other person won’t listen. Ugggh.
5. He must be able to teach others. This is important to note. Teaching is about presenting a clear, well argued presentation of what one believes. Arguing is all about emotions and being irrational. Logic is thrown at the window.

However it’s Paul’s last point which is the killer

in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, 26 and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.

In other words Paul is very realistic. We can never turn them around simply by overpowering them with fierce bombs of logic or our voice. If anything we will simply turn them away. Turning people around is ultimately a work of God. He turns people around in his good timing and that can be a long way down the track. So on top of the other things we need to do we need to be patient and prayerful. And maybe that’s our problem. Instead of wasting spending all our energy on talking to our combatant we should be spending buckets of time talking to God for them. Maybe this might stop all the arguing and actually win more people around.

My reflections

Dealing with unfair treatment in the church?

Alas another conflict erupts at church and alas the predictable cry; “It’s not fair!!”.

As we all know the church is far from perfect. Actually the church is just not perfect, it is a down right pain in the backside. The church is a collection of foul sinners who still have a long way to go before they are finally perfect in Christ. But until that day arrives there is going to be a lot of foul mouthing going on between brothers and sisters in Christ.

Let’s face it – sooner or later everyone of us is going to be unfairly treated. It’s a fact of life but sadly it’s also the reality of a sinful church, of all churches without exception.

There will be the ‘unfair’ criticisms, the ‘unjust’ dismissal, the accusations that are based on unfounded hearsay and gossip. There will be the time when our opponent is given a ‘fair’ hearing but not us. It’s an all too common but sad occurrence. So how do we respond when this happens to us? Most of us cry “it’s not fair!”, “It’s unjust!” and demand justice and fair play.

However the problem is not new. it is as old as the church itself. It’s worth reflecting on how Paul dealt with a similar situation in the church in Corinth in which Christians were taking each other to court to settle the matter and get justice for themselves. Paul’s answer is quite radical but it deserves reflection.

“4 Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church! 5 I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? 6 But instead, one brother goes to law against another–and this in front of unbelievers! 7 The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? 8 Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers.” 1 Corinthians 6:4-8, NIV.

What blows my mind are the bolded comments. Paul tells them that if they can’t settle the matter within the church then they should just go over it and allow the other to win even if it is unfair and down right unjust. This has got to be  borderline insanity. But if we stop for a moment it is certainly Christian. How so? For a number of reasons -

a. It is the Christian way because we recognise that justice, true justice is ultimately something God administers. As they always say , the first casualty of war is truth. I’ve seen many conflicts and guess what happens?

• Person A: Person B said this and did this
• Person B: I did not! That is a lie. That is a blatant lie. The TRUTH of the matter is  that Person A said this and did this
• Person A: No I did not! You have taken what I said out of context and twisted it around. I heard you say this with my own ears and I saw you do this with my own two eyes.
• Person B:Rubbish! Rubbhish! You don’t know what you’re talking about. I did not do this. It was you!
• Person A: You’ve lost your brains. I have witnesses that can back me up.
• Person B: Well ditto! I also have witnesses who can back up what I’m saying.
• Person A: Rubbish. You are lying
• Person B: You are lying too.
• and on and on and on it goes.

Man oh man oh man. Who is right? What is the truth? Maybe Person A was right. Maybe person B was right. Or maybe………… Who knows? That is why  justice is something God ultimately administers because he is the one who sees all and knows all. He understands the full context and even sees our hearts as well. This is why the  bible tells us that God will judge all people based on the truth.

“2 Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth.” Romans 2:2, NIV.

b. Paul’s response is also Christian because justice is something that will be metered out on the last day when God will judge all things based on the truth. Full and complete justice is something we wait for on the day of judgement. In the mean time we live in a world of confusion and injustice. Read Ecclesiastes and Job

c. It is a Christian response because we recognise that there is something more important than fair play and that is unity and love between brothers and sisters in Christ. Paul reminds the  Corinthians that they are brothers in Christ.

“8 Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers.” 1 Corinthians 6:8, NIV.

Oh yeah! And remember Jesus’ NEW commandment

“34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”” John 13:34, 35, NIV.

Take note  of the words “As I have loved you.” Jesus is not simply asking us to love each other. He is asking us to love each other in no other way except in Christ’s unique. Any other way is completely unworthy of the title “Christian”. As well as this, our demand for fairness is all about my rights and “stuff the other person”.  But Paul wants us to rise beyond this and to remember our unity in Christ even if that should come at some great cost to ourselves. Hey does that sound like something someone did for us?

d. Finally Paul’s response reminds us of the key to how a community of sinful people (ie the church)  can live with each other in perfect in harmony – not by always demanding fair treatment – this will simply tear the church apart. Rather the only way a sinful community can live together is to remember that church is always about grace from beginning to end. We were saved by grace. We live by grace and we will die by God’s grace. When you think about it, how is it possible that a holy God  can live with a sinful people? It is only because of His GRACE demonstrated in the death of his one and only son.

I’m not saying we should be pushovers. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t speak up when unfairly treated. But I am saying that whatever, whatever we do it needs to flow, not from a demand for personal satisfaction but from a heart and mind that  is consummed by the Grace of the Lord of Jesus.

Having said this I’m not saying it is easy as well. God knows that this is one of the hardest things to do. Isn’t it any wonder that there are so many exhortations in the bible for Christian unity. Isn’t it any wonder that Jesus has to pray for unity between believers in His High Priestly prayer in John 17.

I’m not saying it is easy but I am saying that it is something we need to come to recognise as the only appropriate attitude to adopt when unfairly treated at church. But this will only happen as we grow more and more in the amazing grace that God has shown us in the death of His one and only Son.

Hard call!

 

Hmmm? What do you think?

Biblical boundaries in Dating?

Recently I posted something about having a biblical perspective on dating. You can read what I said back then. My basic point is that dating, as a process for finding a future spouse, is more a cultural practice than it is a biblical pattern. This is not to say it is wrong just because it is a cultural practice. it is only to say that it is not a given. There are other equally valid, although maybe not as palatable ways of finding a spouse.  Whatever route one chooses to find a spouse biblical principles always needs to be our guide. Here are some clear biblical principles

“1 Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”1 Timothy 5:1, 2, NIV.

“17 So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18 They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19 Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.” Ephesians 4:17-19, NIV.

“1 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.” Ephesians 5:1-4, NIV.

However there are stil some questions left hanging. While it is clear we need to set physical boundaries what about emotional and spiritual boundaries? Where do we draw the line here? Is it wrong to read the bible  and pray with our girl friend or boyfriend knowing that this will draw us closer to each other both emotionally and spiritually? In one sense it seems right and proper to read the bible and pray with them. It’s always good to read the bible and pray with someone else.

One of the difficulties of answering a question like this is making sure we are asking the right question in the first place. If we start with the wrong question we will invariably end up with the wrong answer. This is just a truism. Just a quick digression. This is one of the problems of dealing with our unbelieving friends. Often we struggle to know how to answer our unbelieving friends. Some times our difficulty lies in simply not knowing the answer. The remedy is simple – do some study. On the other hand the difficulty can arise because our friend is simply asking the wrong question, in which case it will always always be difficult to know how to answer the person.

I wonder whether it is similar when it comes to this question of boundaries (beyond the physical) in the dating relationship? I think we need to come back to the nature of this relationship. As I said in the beginning and in a previous blog, a dating relationship is still about two people who are essentially single, as far as the bible is concerned. Because they are single they need to be careful not to play with each other’s bodies or emotions in a way that is only appropriate for marriage. A dating relationship is not a ‘third’ type of relationship that comes with certain whistles and bells. and lurks and perks. No doubt this is what the world thinks but as Christians we need to think and be different. A dating relationship is a process of finding a spouse. In fact the reality is that the person I’m ‘dating’ may  in fact turn out not to be the person I end up marrying. Therefore there is even more reason to tread carefully with how we treat the other person.

Therefore I wonder if the question of ‘building’ a relationship in a dating relationship is a strange one. Talking about emotional and spiritual intimacy is something I talk about with my spouse but is it right to talk about this in a dating context given that the couple are still, in the biblical sense, two single people with no commitment to each other beyond the commitment to love each other as Christ loved us.?

I think the introduction to a wedding ceremony explaining what marriage is all about is a good thing we need to keep in mind when dating

Marriage should be honoured by all, and is not to be entered into lightly or carelessly, but with reverent and serious respect for those purposes for which God has instituted.
Marriage is a gift from God

• for the well-being of mankind,
• the expression of mutual affections, 
• and the raising of family All to the glory of God.

It is interesting what it says – Marriage is the God given gift and context for the expression of our mutual affections, and we are not just talking about sex only. We are talking about everything that is tied up with ‘affections’ ie. emotional and spiritual intimacy. Intimacy between a guy and girl is something for marriage and we should keep it that way.

Given this how do I conduct my ‘dating’ relationship? What are my boundaries? Maybe a better question is “What is my goal in this dating relationship?  Beyond aiming to help each other grow in Christ likeness, which is a given in all our relationships, the distinctive question I should always be asking when ‘dating’ someone is “Can I marry this person?” If the answer is “No !” then the most loving thing would be to finish the relationship and not lead the person on any longer than necessary. To drag it on longer than necessary only generates hurt and that is not loving. If the answer is “Yes! This is the person I want to marry!”,  then the most appropriate and loving thing to do is not to drag it out longer than necessary/ To so just generates frustration and places us into unnecessary temptation. I think Paul’s words at this point is particularly relevant

“36 If anyone thinks he is acting improperly towards the virgin he is engaged to, and if she is getting on in years and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married.” 1 Corinthians 7:36, NIV.

While the context had to do with guys who thought it was more spiritual to delay their engagement, Paul tells them – “Don’t be an idiot. Just marry the girl. There is nothing wrong with it.” Ok an engagement is obviously different to a couple ‘dating’ nevertheless I think there is a sound principle behind all this. Don’t play around with each other’s emotion. If you want to get married and there are no serious impediment then do the right thing and just get married.

At this point I think many of us guys need to think really hard about what we are doing with our girlfriends. I think many of us guys are just dragging the chain far too long and we need to man up and, if there is no major major major impediment to marrying the girl, beyond being cowards, then we need to quickly marry the girl.

Ok these are some reflections and I emphasize these are just reflections

I welcome your input and comments.

Some Biblical Reflections on Dating.

A lot of people keep asking me about a biblical perspective on dating and  how to conduct oneself in this sort of relationship.  It’s not an easy question to answer because the question assumes that “dating” is a ‘given’. As most of us know, dating is often seen as the normal route to move from singleness to marriage. Through dating we get to know the other person and find out if there is a good compatibility between the two people.  For this reason, the alternative options of match- making, arranged marriages, blind dating, or simply rocking up to someone to ask their hand in marriage is so totally wrong. You have to ‘go out’ with them first before you take the plunge.

However, in today’s culture dating has has become something more than just a process of finding a partner. It has become in itself  a third type of sexual relationship in addition to singleness and marriage. In this, when you enter into this relationship it brings with it certain entailments and ‘privileges’ which are part of the whole dating package. So it seems that once you start dating someone you are allowed to be ‘intimate’ with each other and by this I mean more than just D&M (Deep and meaningful). You are now allowed to be intimate physically –  Intimate hugs, kisses, touching, pecking etc etc. Of course your not allowed to sleep with each other (Although it seems that is now part of the norm it seems) . Within this boundary then dating is more than just spending more time with each other. It is also an intimate relationship, both emotionally and partially physical. This is how the world views the dating game and I think it is confirmed by watching all the teenage movies popping up on TV etc.

Given this what is the biblical perspective on dating? Here are a few thoughts?

a. The first thing to note is that the bible recognises only two states of relationships – Singleness and marriage. (Divorce would probably be classed under singleness but that’s another story to debate on.) There does not appear to be any third type of relationship. Yes there is something called Betrothal but the closest parallel to that would be a notch higher than engagement. Remember that Joseph was betrothed to Mary and when he found out that she was pregnant he thought it might be best to ‘divorce’ her (Matt 1:19). That aside it seems that there are only two types of sexual relationship – singleness and marriage

b. The second thing to note is that within the bible there are many legitimate routes one can move from singleness to marriage. If you take out the dodgy one’s there is quite a diversity of ways one can travel

• Wait for God to deliver someone to your door steps -Gen 2: 22-25
• Get your servant to find a wife for your son – Gen 24:1-4
• Offer your daughter’s hand in marriage to anyone who can conquer the enemy for you – Judges 1:12,13
• Wait for your enemy to die of a heart attack and marry his wife – 1 Sam 25:39-42
• Girls – Don’t wait for the guy. Take the initiative and let them know your interested – Ruth 3:7-9
• Do a great feat for the father so that he will give you his daughter’s hand in marriage – 1 Sam 18:20-27
• Go to war with your enemy and if you find a women you like, take her for your wife – Deut 21:10-13

Now I’m not advocating to do what they did. For us guys the bible also warns us about the sort of women it would be good to stay away from. (See Prov 21:9, 19; 23:27; 25:24)  and the sort of women we should be on the look out for to marry (See Prov 31). So while there are many roads that leads to marriage we still need to be wise and godly about it. Given the many routes, and the silence of the bible about dating, I would suggest that dating is one other such route that one can adopt when trying to find a soul mate for life. In short there are many ways one can legitimately move from singleness to marriage.

c. As with all cultural practices, dating included,  these need to be checked by the teaching of scriptures. So even  though Abraham told his servant to find a wife for his son there were clear boundaries of who his son was not to marry (Gen 24: 3,4). Similarly with God’s instruction to the people of Israel when going to war. They can take a wife from their enemies beyond the borders of the Promised Land (Deut 21:10-13) but but the women within the Promised land was out of bounds (See Deut 7:3,4)

Given all this, how does this apply to the dating game? Here are a few suggestion

a. If you are dating someone remember that you are both SINGLE. Sure you are dating but you are still SINGLE. You are not married yet. You are SINGLE. Dating is NOT a third type of relationship. Dating is simply a girl and a guy spending more time talking to each other. Is that wrong? It depends! it always depends. If you want to get to know each other to see if you are able to marriage each other – fine. If it is more than that or less than that – hmmm?

b.Dating is not the only way to getting married. You can, if you want, get someone to find you a spouse. If you’re game, you can try Christian blind dating agency. To make things even easier you could simply go straight from singleness, miss all the dating stuff and rock up to someone and say “Hey can I marry you?” I know a few friends who have done this and it has worked for them. They approached some of the girls in the fellowship and, out of the blue, asked them if they would marry them and they said Yes!. So it can be done. Again the bible still tells us to be wise but that being said  the other routes are not entirely wrong in and of themselves. Part of the difficulty we have with the other approaches is because of our misguided notion that we have to find Mr/Ms Right. I’ve blogged on this previously so you can check out what I said about this – Finding Mr/Ms Right

c. Finally we need evaluate our culture and practices through the filters of the scriptures. What does the bible say?  Being SINGLE means that all the sex stuff is ONLY for married people. We need to understand that sex is more that just sexual intercourse. Sex is so much more than this. All this stuff  like intimate kissing and hugging and touching is part of the sexual act that ultimately leads to intercourse and finally orgasm. Is it any wonder that most dating couples I know struggle to keep their hands of each other. Why? Because they are playing with something that leads to something else ie intercourse. Always remember there are kisses and there are KISSES. There are hugs and there are HUGS. Paul has some good words to say here to all of us.

“1 Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”
1 Timothy 5:1, 2, NIV.

Remember those words “ABSOLUTE PURITY”. He says something similar again.

“1 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person–such a man is an idolater–has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.”
Ephesians 5:1-5, NIV.

So how do we act in a dating relationship? With absolute purity. It is as simple as that.Remember that, even though you are dating you are both still SINGLE. Nothing more and nothing less. Therefore as SINGLE people keep all the sex stuff till the day when you both decide to get married.

More positively how should we conduct ourselves as a single guy and girl going out with each other? The bible has so much to say on this it is hard to know where to begin.

“15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
”Colossians 3:15-17, NIV.

Anyway these are some of my reflections.

Does our love drive people away from the church or brings them to church?

I don’t know about you but most churches are obsessed about loving each other. Every church I know talks about how we need to love each other. more and more. I remember that our theme for one year was “Love in action”. It’s a nice theme and, like every other church we want to try our best to be biblical and promote a theme which the bible is very big on. Consider the following passages:

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”” 
John 13:34, 35, NIV.

“I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” 
John 17:22, 23, NIV.

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” 
1 John 4:7, 8, NIV.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 
1 Corinthians 13:13, NIV.

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 
1 Peter 4:8, NIV.

However despite all our talk about being more loving to each other in order to be a witness to the world the reality is that it keeps  turning people  off and driving them away from the church.  Huh? So what’s going on here?

I think the problem is that we haven’t really understood Jesus’ command properly. If we go back to John 13:34, 35 there is a very very  important phrase that most ‘loving’ church people keep missing out on. It’s the phrase

“…as I have loved you.”

In other words what Jesus is commanding his disciples to do is not simply to love each other. He is asking them to do so much more. He is commanding them to love each other in the Jesus way. In other words what Jesus highlights is that there is more that one type of love floating in our world.

There is the type of love which the world operates by. Remember Matthew 5:46, 47? Jesus tells us that even the pagans and tax collectors love their own.  How so? It’s very simple –  I will love you if you are loveable and good and nice to me otherwise get out of my way and get lost. It’s the typical “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”. Now if this is how the world’s love operates, what happens if you are not good and nice to me? Then I will be bad and nasty to you. In the end we end up arguing, killing each other, back stabbing, etc etc. And when this happens what’s next on the agenda?  If you can’t resolve it, which, unfortunately is generally what happens, you split. For all the endless talks about love, for all the songs we sing about love,  in practice our world continues to war with each other – in the family, in the workplace, in our community. Sadly this is what happens far too often in the Churches. For all our talk about loving each other, it is nothing other than loving each in the way the world does it. Sadly that is not very very impressive.

In contrast  Jesus is telling us, NOT to love each like the world, but to love the Jesus way.How did Jesus loved us? He did not love his friends. Rather he loved his enemies and turned them into friends.

“43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbour and hate your enemy.’44 But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” 
Matthew 5:43-48, NIV.

or what about this passage from Romans:

“7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! 10 For if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!”
Romans 5:7-10, NIV.

Loving the Jesus way is not about loving those who are nice to us. Quite the opposite. Loving the Jesus way is loving those who are nasty and unkind to us. it is only when we can love the Jesus way that people will look at the church and be astonished how people from hostile background can get along with each in such a loving way.

We can talk all we like about love – indeed the Beatles constantly sang about love and tells us that all we need is love, love, love. But their brand of love was never able to make a difference. Jesus commands us to love his way and it is only when we love his way that the world will know that we are his disciples.

Conflicts and Church – an unfortunate synonym

If we had to talk about synonyms it’s sad to think that two words that appear virtually synonymous is Church and conflict. It goes without saying, and sadly so that conflicts is a constant and ever present reality in all churches without exception. Think about all the epistles. They all have to deal with some sort of conflict. And I’ve seen far too many in my own church and I’ve heard of many more in so many other churches.

What is sadder still is that these conflicts are often between two well meaning, and in many cases, godly people whose intentions, while noble and right, have been misconstrued and taken in the wrong way. I can think of major blow ups between minister and minister, between ministers and between ministers and lay leaders. Sad isn’t it. In fact I can say quite categorically, that in all my years in ministry I can’t think of one example where one party has been particularly demonic and malicious in their intention to plan the destruction of someone else.  It may  end up like this but it never started this way. It may have started with a desire to be helpful but as things developed things got out of control and ended up blowing up in everyone’s face.  So it’s really really sad when this happens and it happens all too often.

Is it any wonder that love and peace is so big in the bible. Is it any wonder that in Jesus High Priestly prayer in John 17 his focus is that we will all love one another.

So how can we avoid misunderstanding’s people’s intentions? How can we avoid the many many unnecessary conflicts which plagues our churches? How can good intentions be read as good intentions even if we might disagree with their methods etc?

I was preaching through Romans 12 the other day and I was struck by the simplicity of Paul’s answer to conflict in vs. 16

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

It’s so simple and yet something we have to stop and mediate on. How is it that good godly people can have a major fall out? Because, whether we like it or not, pride always always creeps in. What someone does or says to us is one thing, but how we respond can turn a calm into chaos. Humility will lead us to listen, learn and try to understand what the other person is saying. On the other hand, pride will lead us to get on the defensive and shoot back with some unhelpful comment. And when round 2 comes along,  how we respond can either defuse or escalate the problem. Again in round 2, humility we lead us to listen, learn and try to understand why the person was so defensive and agro. Otherwise we will return fire with fire and then ………… well the rest is history or rather World War.

Of course dealing with pride is no easy matter. It is the very heart of sin but let’s face it – it always boil down to pride – pure and simple. Either the other parties pride or our pride.

Misunderstanding is a fact of life. God is the perfect communicator – not us. However before we read conspiracy theories and demonic intentions into other people’s action or words, let’s put to death the pride in us (and let’s face it – we ALL, without exception, struggle with Pride and Conceit) and listen to others with the intention, not just to hear their words, but to truly understand where they are coming from.

And when we do so we might actually discover, as I have found in 10 out of 10 times that they do have good intentions even if their execution or delivery is less than desirable.

Preaching on Leviticus 1 at a wedding?

It’s not that I’m a masochist but I’ve always wondered how I would approach it. As a pastor and preacher I’ve been to tons of them and the wedding sermon usually covers the following passages

• Gen 2:18-25
• 1 Cor 13:4-13
• Ephesians 5:21-33
• 1 John 4:10-19
• Revelation 21:1-7

There are some odds one here and there but in the main the above passages are, to a large degree the set text for preaching at a wedding

Now I’ve got nothing against preaching on these passages. I use them as well but one wonders whether there is more we can say at a wedding than just these passages. Besides if you are in a marrying congregations as I have been, I think your congregation can only stomach so many rounds of 1 Cor 13. As well as this, not only will they get a dose of what you have to say, more than likely they’ll be invited by others, and the pastor will undoubtedly choose one of these passages.

So why these passages? We need to remember that they were never originally written for weddings, but for churches facing a lot of relational problems. In Corinth they were trying to out do the other person in spirituality. In the church John was writing to they also had relational problems. Sure enough Genesis 2, John 2, Ephesians and Revelation are more directly related, but apart from these it seems we have very little more to say. Of course time is a major problem. When you only have 10-15 minutes you can only say so much. So it’s understandable that we zoom in on passages which speaks more directly and pointedly about core issues related to marriage. But there in lies the problem. Doesn’t the WHOLE bible have something to say, directly or indirectly about marriage and not just these few passages?  In fact as I said, even the passages we commonly turn to are not really directly related to marriage. If we can make the connection between these passages and marriage could we not make the connection between marriage and the more “obscure”, if not seemingly unrelated passages? Undoubtedly the whole of scripture touches on the key issues of life that is relevant to all of us irrespective of our station in life.

OK so here is the challenge; What does Leviticus 1 have to say to a married couple if anything? Here’s my stab at it for what it’s worth in simple point form;

• God rescues his bride to be and brings her to himself (ie the exodus) but can they live happily ever after?
  
• It depends on whether they can own up and deal with the dark side of their relationship that will invariably tear them apart i.e. the problem of sin.  Instead, we only think of marriage in terms of kisses, flowers and romantics walks at sunset but never face the dark side of sin
  
• The sacrificing of animals regularly and daily is an extremely powerful and painful reminder of this dark side. The every day activity of slicing the animals throat, ripping out its insides, washing it and then burning it – the sight, sounds and smells tells us that sin cannot be ignored nor  is it a small matter. It is something that will destroy all relationships  – God/man and man/woman
  
• Sin cannot be ignored. It has to be dealt with, but dealing with sin is both costly and painfully yet very necessary.
• How do we deal with sin in marriage? God has dealt with our sin and the sin of our spouse. We need to therefore forgive.

Hmmm? Well it all comes back to Jesus doesn’t it but imagine talking about all the blood and gore at a romantic wedding. But instead of  jumping straight to 1John 4:10-19 we start with Leviticus 1.  It would really make an impact and graphically show the reality of sin and the need to deal with it. But when you think about it that’s what it was intended for in the beginning.

OK what do you think? Yes? No? Try a different angle? Or maybe I should just stick with 1 John 4:10-19 for the next 10 wedding sermons?

Making Marriage Work – Part 3

Making a marriage work. It’s hard work and everyone has their ABC but I have my 7 M’s. Here are the last three of my 7 M’s for making a marriage work.

Mother-in-laws: To make a marriage work, love and respect your mother-in-laws but don’t let them rule your marriage. Now why mother-in-laws? Firstly because it works with the M’s. Lame reason I know so please excuse me on this. And to all the mother-in-laws out there who are really good – my apologies. That being said i think there is some truth (and I emphasize SOME) that mother-in-laws are prone to interfere more with their children’s marriage than the father-in-law. Not always the case, but in many cases. Why is this the case? Something to muse over at a later date or posting.

That aside I think there are a few points we need to remember:

1. Be careful of trying to please your parents over and against your spouse. It is still important to honour our parents. That is being biblical, but the danger of many is that they are more concerned about pleasing their parents than their spouse.
2. Be careful never to criticize your spouse in front of your parents. Even if the criticisms are just and fair, do that in the privacy of your own home, never in public.
3. Be careful to always defend your spouse against the criticism and demands of your parents. And even if the criticisms might be true, it is still important to show your undying love and support for your spouse. If the criticisms are fair and just then refer back to point 2.

Making Out: Everyone knows that sex is crucial in making a marriage work. Even though it’s a very fleeting moment in marriage, it is nevertheless a very vital ingredient without which a marriage will very quickly run into trouble (1 Cor 7:5). That being said what is important is not just having sex but the way we have sex, and  I’m not talking about Karma Sutra. I’m talking about being godly and generous. Paul reminds us that our bodies are not our own but belongs to our spouse (1 Cor 7:4,5) In other words sex becomes not only a means of pleasure, but equally important a means by which I serve my spouse.

This is clearly demonstrated in how differently a man and a woman is wired. We know they are different, but this differences goes even as far as the way both men and women have sex. As we know, for the man the way he has sex can be compared to a light switch. He can get turned on so quickly it’s not funny. He could be in the middle of the final episode of Halo 3 and then his wife comes in in a sexy lingerie – well forget halo – he’s suddenly all turned on. For men sex is also a stress reliever. If a husband has not had sex for a long time he gets really aggro. Alternatively if he is stressed out, sex can often be a great stress reliever. But if he can get turned on very quickly, he can very very quickly cool down. So once he’s had his sex he can very quickly get back to his Halo 3 as if nothing has happened.(Not surprisingly the wife would feel quite ripped off)

On the other hand for a woman, sex can be compared to turning on an iron. It really takes a long time to warm up and a long time to cool down. For a woman sex is all about relationship. She can only have sex when she is in the mood, when she knows she is loved and when the environment is right. Everything has to be right for her. In short the guy is fast and the girl is slow. Uggh. Why did God have to make it complex?  Wouldn’t it be better if we both approached sex the same way? Well yes and no. If the man and woman were the same then it would be a lot easier. We don’t have to think about anything else but just having fun. But that’s the problem. Because we don’t have to think about it  then the only thing we’ll be thinking about is having fun. We’d forget about the needs of the other person because we don’t need to think about it. We can just enjoy the moment and think about nothing but my own pleasure. But by the very fact that both the man and woman are totally opposite, then it means I have to stop and think about how to have sex. And I have to think about it in a way that will serve my wife’s sexual needs and not just my own.  Because God has made us so different, indeed so totally opposite, I have to stop and think about what is good for my wife, even in the area of sexual needs.

So making out in a godly generous way where I remember I am here to serve my spouse even in the area of sex is a key to making marriage work. When we are both thinking about how to serve each other then we’re in a win win situation. But when we are both thinking about our own needs then we both loose out. When you think about it, the way God has wired us up so differently forces us to remember one important principle of relationships – it’s all about being generous and concerned for the needs of the other person. Wow isn’t God wise!

Ministry: To make a marriage work we need to remember that we are first called to serve God over and above my spouse. I remember one wise minister once said that the key to loving your wife is to love God first, and the key to loving your children is to love your wife. One temptation I find newly couples falling into is that they become so wrapped up in each other that they forget about bible study group, going to Sunday service and serving the church. While I think there are some who have gone to such an extreme that they are involved in ministry to the detriment of their marriage, I think there are many more who are so wrapped up in their marriage that they have no time to serve God, his people or the world God has called us to save. Learning to serve God is a key to making a marriage work. but it is also important because it puts a check on our tendency to worship our work. When we realise that God is our first priority it places work in its right place and in so doing it gives me time to serve my wife.
Ok so this is my 7 M’s

• Manhood – be a man, be a leader, be like Jesus
• Motherhood – value being a mother and being a woman
• Mates – we will never win this race on our own but with our mates
• Money – learn how to give
• Mother-in-laws – Spouse first,  in-laws second
• Making out – sex is about giving not getting
• Ministry – Loving our spouse is found by loving God first

Making Marriage Work – Mates and Money – Part 2

With so many marriage falling apart how do you build a strong marriage? This is  part 2 of the 7 M’s for making marriage work.

Mates: To build a strong marriage it’s important to have good mates. We keep thinking that building a strong marriage is a private affair between husband and wife. However we need to remember that we will not win this merely on our own but in the company of others. In other words it is crucial, absolutely crucial to surround ourselves with good friends who will keep us accountable in our marriage and keep us going strong for the long haul. Too many marriages fall apart because the couple wants to keep the problems to themselves, never wanting to or willing to talk to others about their difficulty. And when they eventually do, the cancer is spread too far for any remedy to be effective. I was reading an article in the Sydney Morning Herald some years ago where it said that most people come to marriage counselling when it’s too late. Many of the marriages could have been saved if they had talked about their problems with others very early in the marriage. I guess people feel there is a certain stigma when a marriage runs into rough waters. But let’s face it. No marriage is trouble free. There are no prizes for those who say they never argue. The winners are those who argue but are able to deal with their problems.

Now here I want to say a particular word to the man because more often than not it’s the man who has this problem.  I’ve counselled many people about their marriage problems but you don’t have to be an Einstein to guess who took the first step to approach me to talk about their marriage – Yep it was the wife. In 9/10 times it’s the wife who makes the first move. And in most cases the man refuses to talk about it. So the dear wife is stuck. She wants to sort things out but the man either refuses to talk about the problem or lives in denial. Whatever the reason when the man refuses to talk it’s very hard to sort out the problem. As they say, it takes two to tango.

So if you’re having problems in the marriage, stop being a jerk. Stop being proud. Be a man and talk to a mate about it. But make sure the mate cares, not only for you but also for your marriage. Too many mates are idiots. They are too quick to take sides. Find mates who care, not only for you, but for your marriage.

Money: To make marriage work we eventually have to cross that danger zone – Money. Selfishness and greed is a sure killer for marriage. So getting our attitude to money is crucial. However in my observation most of the advice we give in this area usually turns on how to make sure the couple budgets well so that they  don’t get into strife and therefore cause all sorts of heartache for themselves  further down the line. This is OK but it’s still unrealistic in many ways. No matter how well we prepare ourselves there is no way we can guarantee financial security. I think Ecclesiastes 9:11, 12 has a powerful word to say to us here

I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favour to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all. Moreover, no man knows when his hour will come: As fish are caught in a cruel net, or birds are taken in a snare, so men are trapped by evil times that fall unexpectedly upon them. Ecclesiastes 9:11,12

So while I’m all for financial planning we can never know for certain what lies around the corner. So what then should we be saying to married couples about money? I think when talking to couples about money we need to teach them, not only how to save, but more importantly how to give money away to others in need. If we smart, learning to save comes naturally. There are lots and lots of institutions out to teach you how to invest wisely. But rarely is there anyone out there who will teach you how to give money away generously. I think learning this lesson is crucial in making a marriage work. Why is this? Because when we learn to be generous with our money, we learn to be generous to each other in every other way. Our attitude to each other is often painfully revealed in our attitude towards money. How many divorce settlements have had bitter fights over property and money? Too many. And what about that prenuptial agreements? It’s all about protecting MY money from the other person? What does that say about my spouse? Learning to be generous is a sure killer against workaholism, against the increasing pressure to get more and more. Learning to be generous with our money eventually flows into every area of our lives.

Many marriages fight over money. So teaching couples  to generous with their money to those in need is a recipe to ensuring that money never divides. And a marriage marked by generosity is surely a marriage made in heaven. So the key issue in talking about money is learning to be generous.

OK this is the second part of my 7 M’s for making a marriage work. Stay tuned for the last three.

Making Marriage Work: Manhood and Motherhood – Part 1

Everyone has their ABC about how to build a strong marriage, so over the next 3 blogs I want to offer  my ABC reflections, but it’s not really an ABC, but really 7 M’s.

Here are the first two.

Manhood: Firstly men need to be men. By this I mean the man needs to recognise that he is the spiritual leader of the household and to act like one. I see far too many men, both Christian and non, who are more a mummy’s boy rather than a man. There are far too many men being led by their wives rather than leading their wives. The funny, if not sad thing I find, is that many of the wives who are wearing the paints in the home wish their husband would rise up and be the man and the leader of the household. Now it probably needs to be said that it’s very easy to abuse our leadership to  mean something like an autocratic or dictator. There are already too many men like this. However by spiritual leadership I mean we need to be the man and to be like Jesus. And you know how Jesus led his church? We need men to be like this. So what does that mean? Take the initiative to read the scriptures and to pray with your wives. The number of women who have shared with me how they wish their husband will take a lead in these things is countless and tragic. Take the initiative. Say to your wife: “Let’s read the scriptures and pray!” That’s not too hard to say is it?

Motherhood: A second key to building a strong marriage is to value motherhood.  Now it’s strange to talk about Motherhood and marriage, but when I read the scriptures, there is a very strong connection between being a woman and being a mother. It’s worth noting that with all the push by the feminists to dissolve any and all differences between men and women one of the casualties has been over child rearing and motherhood. Today’s feminists are pushing for equal opportunities in the work place and for equal pay. Many women want recognition for their achievements and success in the business world etc. In all this, motherhood is not good enough if not an unfortunate burden in their quest for recognition and status. So many will sacrifice being a mother for the sake of their careers. In short to be a real women is not about being a mother (or even the desire)  but about having same job opportunities as men.

While I’m all for acknowledging that women are equal, something clearly taught in the scriptures (Galatians 3:28), the bible also recognises that we are different.  Men are marked by work where as women are marked by motherhood. Now, please please don’t get me wrong because I can see it already coming. I’m not saying that women can’t work. I think they definitely can. There are many examples in the bible of women who held a job. Proverbs 31 is the classic example.  And I’m not saying that fathers should not be involved in rearing their children. Again the bible has a very high role of the father in raising children. However it seems that, as a matter of emphasis the man is the worker and the women is marked by motherhood. Of course there are many women who desperately want one but can’t. But this only adds weight to the argument that motherhood (or at least the desire)  is one of the defining characteristics of being a women. Recall that the curse on man was with respect to his work (Gen 3:17-19), while the curse on the woman was with respect to giving birth (Gen 3:16).

OK enough of this. So where am I going with this? The point I’m trying to make is for women to recognise their role as women and their calling to be a mother (if possible), and to stop trying to compete or to be a like a man. Too many women see motherhood as a hindrance. They want to be like the man – get a good highly respected, high flying well paid career. Admittedly and sadly  too many men think like this. However when  women start thinking like this, there is always a danger of the woman  competing with the husband. And when the kid comes they’ll resent it profusely and resent their husband because, while they are jet setting around the world (I’m not saying this is good)  she is stuck at home with the kid.  But if women recognise the value and the importance and the high calling of motherhood, it can save a lot of conflict in marriage. In short,  just as a man is called to be a man, so the women is called to be a women. To confuse the two roles, as we see it so often in the world today, is the source of so much heartache and broken marriages.

Oh yes just one note: Motherhood only ever works for women when the husband is 120% behind the wife in this – and by this I don’t mean just bringing in the money. Some husband thinks this is all it is. Rather I mean that the husband, when he comes home is not straight into the TV or to the computer games, or into his hobbies, while the wife is struggling to clean, cook and take care of the kid. If you’re like this you deserve a big kick up the behind. No! To be 120% behind your wife means when you come home after work you realise that the work does not stop. You go straight into the kitchen to help with the cooking, straight into the bedroom to help with bathing the baby. You help vacuum the house, wash the clothes etc etc. Women will value motherhood more when they realise their greatest fan and supporter is their husband. Women will love being a mother when their husbands UNDERSTAND what it means to be a mother.

OK this is the first of my two M’s for making a great marriage.