Same sex or broken sex attraction

I don’t think you can get two guys who are so similar in some respects and yet totally opposite in other respects. The two people I’m talking about are Roy Clements, formerly the Senior Minister of Eden Baptist Church, Cambridge UK, and Rev Vaughn Roberts, the Rector of St Ebbes Church, Oxford UK.

Roy Clements was a highly respected, leading British Evangelical in the UK with a very successive ministry to university students. He was a greatly gifted preacher as well as a prolific writer of commentaries. I first heard Clements speak at the Men’s Katoomba Christian Convention in Sydney Australia back in 1999. He was deep, thought provoking and engaging as he expounded the scriptures. On the other hand Vaughan Roberts, while not as big as Clements, is slowly making a name for himself as a gifted preacher and writer. Like Clements, Roberts has also spoken on the platform of the Katoomba Christian Convention. And Clement’s he is a very gifted preacher of God’s word. However both have also confessed to their own personal and life long struggle with Same Sex attraction. However that is where the similarities end. Their personal response to their struggle are  as opposite as you can get.

For Clements his same sex struggle eventually overtook him  so much so that it now defines who he is. Six months after having preached on the Katoomba platform news broke out from the UK that Clements had left his wife for another man. Not surprisingly it stunned the international Evangelical community and even more so, given his very high profile figure. It shocked us all. It certainly shocked me. I have some of his commentaries on my shelf and it is hard, very hard to go anywhere near them. Recently when I checked out what he has been doing I find that he is still holding firmly to his stance on same sex relationships and even argues that faithful same sex relationships is God honouring. Where once he was a leading figure in the Evangelical community he has now become a voice for the Christian Gay and Lesbian community.

In contrast to Clements is Vaughan Roberts response. In a recent, yet very  courageous, interview with Julian Hardyman, Senior Pastor of Eden Baptist Church (where ironically Roy Clements was the previous senior minister) Roberts confessed to his own inner turmoil and struggle with same sex attraction. However his response to his struggle is so completely opposite to that of Clements. Robert’s would not describe himself as gay but as a sinner with a broken sexual drive. Like everyone else he is a broken man waiting for the return of the Lord Jesus for his complete healing and restoration. Roberts strongly believes that the only valid sexual relationship is a faithful exclusive heterosexual relationship between a man and a woman. Because of this he and given his brokenness he has chosen to be celibate for the sake of the gospel instead of giving to his broken passions. He is a hero in my books.

It is sad, truly sad to see what has happened to Clements and how much he has been duped by the evil one. However it is truly inspiring when you have people like Roberts who admits to his own sexual struggles and yet, for the sake of the honour of the Lord Jesus and the building of his church he has chosen to be celibate.

In the  Same Sex marriage debate raging on around us Roberts is a beacon of light and a powerful reminder that having same sex attraction doesn’t mean having to be defined by it let alone be dictated by it. We are constantly called by scripture to put to death the passions of our sinful nature (Romans 8:13; Col 3:5) and to exercise self control in the power of the spirit.(Gal 5:23; Tit 2:2)  The mood of our society is to do what comes natural to you but what the world fails to understand is that they are slaves to the evil one (Ephesians 2:1-3) In contrast the word of Scripture  tells us to keep in step with the spirit. (Gal 5:16-25)

Roberts frank interview also gives insights for how we, as a church community, can care for those around us and amongst us who struggle with same sex attraction.

Julian: What sort of things can churches do?

Vaughan: While being careful not to put any pressure on those who don’t want to be more open, we could be looking for appropriate ways of enabling greater openness from some. I heard recently about a church where a young believer spoke honestly in a public testimony about his ongoing experience of same sex attraction. That was a real encouragement to some in the church who struggled in the same way and made it easier for them to speak with others. Another church has begun an occasional meeting for members in this situation. It has been a spur to some to speak about their struggles for the first time, knowing that they are not alone and that there is support available. Other Christians have found Wesley Hill’s book Washed and Waiting really helpful. His refreshing honesty about his own experience and his godly approach have provided an excellent model to many, as well as giving supportive church members a deeper insight into the similar struggles of others. Alex Tylee’s Walking with Gay Friends, written from a woman’s perspective, has similar strengths.

Both Clements and Roberts are people who need our prayers. For over two decades Clement brought countless blessing to thousands upon thousands of people through his gifted preaching and writing. But it is truly sad to see how he has been taken captive by the evil one. For this reason we need to pray that God would have mercy on him and bring him to his sense and escape the trap of the evil one  (2 Tim 2:25,26). For Roberts, we need to give thanks to God for people like him and pray that he, as with all of us, will continue to keep in step with the Spirt of the Lord Jesus.

In the Same sex movements that is sweeping our world people like Vaughn Roberts is a powerful reminder that our ultimate identity is not found in our sexual orientation but in the Lord Jesus Christ who died for us and will return one day to make us new and whole and restore our brokenness, even our broken sex drive.

Kevin Rudd, Same Sex Marriage and the problem of Christian Labels

It’s pretty sad to hear about Kevin Rudd’s about-turn on the issue of Same Sex marriages. Certainly many in the Christian community have been shattered and felt totally betrayed by his change of mind. On the other hand it’s not hard to imagine that many in the Gay and Lesbian community are dancing for joy.

Rudd is the latest political leader to succumb to the march of the same sex marriage movement gradually taking over the world. But unfortunately he will not be the last. Many more will soon follow. However Rudd’s turn around, sad as it is, is not surprising. He describes himself as a Christian, and a devout one at that. But this raises the question “What type of Christian is he?”

As we all know the label Christian was first used in Antioch in Acts 11:26 and described the group of people who were under the teaching of Paul and Barnabas for a whole year. When you read through Paul’s teaching both in Acts and in his letters it is very clear what he taught and therefore what it meant to be a Christian. The label had a very very precise meaning. Unfortunately, over the years the label has been hijacked by various groups who deny the teachings of Paul and the rest of the apostles. One only has to look at the history of the Christian church and the development of theology to see how easy it is to call yourself a Christian and at the same time deny the gospel truths found in scripture. 

Even today Australia has been described as a Christian country but when only 4% of Australian’s attend church in any regular manner, it raises questions as to what people mean by this label. But this is the problem with labels. Labels are important tools in communication. They take the tedium out of describing and redescribing ideas and concept over again. However for labels to work well as they should it assumes that both parties share a common understanding of what the label means. When this is true then communication is clear and easy. When it is not, misunderstanding will always happen. For this reason a label, which may be appropriate in one context may be totally inappropriate in another context. In that case another more appropriate label is required to ensure that everyone is talking the same language. 

In the case of Mr Rudd one has to query what he means by the label Christian? When you do some digging around you quickly discover that his brand of Christianity is very different indeed to the brand of Christianity the first Christians back in Antioch would have inherited from Paul. 

He grew up as a Catholic and became an Anglican because of his wife and has never given up his Catholic heritage. At University he was involved in the Australian Student Christian Movement, an essentially Liberal wing of Christianity which is essentially ecumenical and adheres to the social gospel, and it seems he is still of the same mind set. So the question has to be asked of Mr Rudd. Does he believe in the total depravity of man? Does he believe in the atoning death of the Lord Jesus Christ? Does he believe that we are saved through faith alone in Christ alone and through grace alone? Does he believe in the supreme authority of scripture in all matters of faith and doctrine?

With Rudd’s support for Same Sex Marriage it is truly a sad day. But sadder still is the fact that not only is he a prominent public political leader, he is also a prominent “Christian” leader. I don’t doubt for a moment that he is a Christian. But, given the history of the Christian church, the issue is not whether he is a Christian or not. Rather, the issue is whether his brand of Christianity accords with the faith that was once proclaimed by the apostles and that has been preached for the last 2000 yrs. And if it is a different brand of Christianity then maybe we need to give him another label apart from the label Christian.

Just some reflections. 

Kids, counselling and the doctrine of sin

I remember sometime ago attending a family ministry talk on the matter of raising children, communication, etc etc. Overall it was a good talk and there were some good tips to go away with. However I left the seminar feeling that there was something missing. This became even more stark when one of the attendees asked about dealing with teens who don’t do what the parents tell them to do.

The speaker responded by saying that we need to understand the teenager, try and negotiate a compromise, carefully think about how we talk to them ie be careful in our words etc etc. It all sounded nice but I wonder if the person really had any teenagers himself?

The reality is that dealing with kids of all ages is a herculean task. We can talk all we like and apply all the communication techniques we like but, at the end of the day, as many parents will testify, many times it simply does not work. Sure we need to understand how a teenager thinks. And I’m not denying the value of all the techniques I learnt at the seminar. But experience tells me that the speaker did not go far enough in helping us understand how to deal with our teenagers who, basically don’t want to do what they are told.

What was the missing element? There was no doctrine of sin. The seminar assumed that the fundamental problem is the lack of understanding and miscommunication but when you look through the scriptures it traces the problem to something even more foundational. It’s worth remembering  that Paul tells us that one of the marks of a rebellious sinful world is seen in how children disobey their parents.

29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31 they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Romans 1:29-31, NIV.

In fact when you read through the scripture we are reminded again and again how all pervasive sin is. It was sin that led Cain to murder his brother Abel. Even after the flood of Genesis 6-8 the problem of sin continued to linger on in the very heart of man, even from childhood

“21 The LORD smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart: “Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done.” Genesis 8:21, NIV.

If there is any book that has a good realistic understanding of  kids it is probably the book of proverbs.

“15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” Proverbs 22:15, NIV.

Pretty strong words aren’t they? Folly!!!. In short kids have as much sense as a fool.

“18 Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.” Proverbs 19:18, NIV

Wow this passage is pretty strong. Basically it’s saying that a child has the ammunition and the potential to kill themselves. And sadly this what we see far too often in our society.

And what about Jesus’ pretty brutal words in Mark 7

“18 “Are you so dull?” he asked. “Don’t you see that nothing that enters a man from the outside can make him ‘unclean’? 19 For it doesn’t go into his heart but into his stomach, and then out of his body.” (In saying this, Jesus declared all foods “clean”.) 20 He went on: “What comes out of a man is what makes him ‘unclean’. 21 For from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, 22 greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. 23 All these evils come from inside and make a man ‘unclean’.”” Mark 7:18-23, NIV.

Now please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying we parents, or even youth leaders should be dictators and brutes in dealing with our kids. Far from it and if you are like this you need to repent.  The bible clearly sets boundaries in the way we treat our children and how to raise them up in the fear of the Lord. The ONLY point I want to make is that we need to bring back a robust doctrine of sin in any talk about relationship, whether it is between a husband and wife, parent or child, working colleagues etc etc. We live in a world of sin and we ourselves continue to live in a body of sin. So any family talk, whatever it is, that misses the doctrine of sin, may be helpful, but at best, it will only ever be cosmetic and for that reason superficial.

It’s worth asking “What makes any relationship seminar – Christian?”. I want to suggest that it more than simply expressing Christian values. Christian values only make sense within a Christian understanding of the world. Outside of this context Christian values become nothing more than legalistic and powerless moralism that changes no one let alone our kids. And if we are serious about talking about a Christian world view then invariably we cannot avoid the doctrine of sin. And when we understand the doctrine of sin then we begin to see the need that more is needed than merely to change the way we talk to each other.

Having said all this, I’m not saying the seminar was completely useless. The problem was that it simply did not go far enough. At best it was a cosmetic makeover. Yes we need to understand our teenagers and many of us parents need to learn better communication skills. But at the day who are we dealing with? We are dealing with a sinner. A profoundly deep sinner in which selfishness is part of our DNA. But the sinner is not just the person in front of me. A Christian world view tells me that “I” also am a sinner. If our kids are half the problem. The other half of the problem are the parents.  In short all this family seminar stuff needs to come to grips this one brutal reality – we are trying to teach counselling skills to a bunch of sinners. And what do sinners need more than anything? Yes they need to learn some basic communication skills. But they need so much more!! They need to understand the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Finding the Right Job?

It’s one of the biggest issues all of us will have to face sooner or later – finding the right Job. Its something that drives our studies as well as being the topic and concern of topics such as “Guidance and the will of God.” So what is the key to finding the right job? Here are a few thoughts

a. God is more interested in our holiness than He is in our expertise. I think we need to be honest with ourselves. It is more our concern than it is the concern of God. When we scan through the scriptures it is very clear what God’s first big ticket item  in our lives. It is to rescue us from Sin, Satan and from Self. It is to make us more and more like the Lord Jesus. It is to prepare us for heaven. This is what He’s been doing all along and what He will keep on doing. Have a look at the following passages

“28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.” Romans 8:28, 29, NIV.

The key idea here is that God is working in everything to make us more and more like His Son.

So the first big problem in working through this issue is to recognise that it’s not as big as we make it out to be. This is where our world differs majorly with God. For us, finding the right job is everything. For God, being Holy and Godly is everything. Until we get this right we are always going to be looking for something which is not in the scripture

b. If this is the case then does it matter what we do? In many ways it doesn’t really matter. And there are a number of reasons for this.

• It doesn’t matter because it is not a biblical question. If anything it’s a question that middle class people ask. And it’s something we middle class people can ask because we have the luxury of choice which most people in the world don’t have. The vast majority of the world’s population have to work with what they’ve got. As the old saying goes “beggars can’t be choosy.”Let’s face it most people are are living in poverty or just above it and they do not have the luxury of choosing what job they would like. Dare I say,  for us who have grown up in a middle class  environment, to make this such a big deal and to push this on to God is really an insult to the billions around the world who cannot choose. This is not to say that we can’t be doctors or whatever. I’m only saying that we shouldn’t make it bigger than what it really is – just another job.  Whether you’re a doctor or a street sweeper, it’s all the same as far as God is concerned. Why? Because the big ticket item for Him is our holiness and godliness not our expertise

• It doesn’t matter because life doesn’t think it matters either. What do I mean by this? “So I reflected on all this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God’s hands, but no man knows whether love or hate awaits him.” Ecclesiastes 9:1, NIV. In other words we can plan all we like but what lies around the corner is unknown and unpredictable. I was having a meeting with a friend one night and then two days later he was on life support for a stroke. He is now a permanent resident in a nursing home. I know of one person who was a personal trainer but because of a medical condition will probably never be able to work for the rest of his life. I was speaking to another friend who cannot work because he has cancer. There are endless stories like this and I’m sure each one of us has similar stories to tell. In short life can suddenly change course unexpectedly. Therefore it really doesn’t matter what we do because life doesn’t care either.

• It doesn’t matter because, either way, there is no such thing as the dream job. Ultimately every job is a pain. Our obsession with finding the “right job” ignores the nature of this world and what has happened to it.  I think we need to remember Genesis 3 and God’s curse on the ground.

“17 To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat of it,’ “Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. 18 It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. 19 By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.”” Genesis 3:17-19, NIV.

Work is not the curse as some people like to think. Rather work has been cursed. This effectively means that on this side of eternity we will never ever find that dream job that will deeply satisfy us. Is it any wonder we are forever moving from job to job. Is it any wonder that work is the one of the greatest causes of stress.

There’s a lot that can be said but I hope we get the point. For all our obsession about finding the right job, at the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter what we do as long as we do something and aim for godliness and holiness.

c. But in another way it DOES matter what we do? Here are a few reasons why. However the reason are not what we might expect.

• Some jobs are basically out of our league so don’t try. Dr Don A Carson is well known as a top class theologian, an avid reader and a prolific writer. I’ve worked out that I could probably read just as much as does and write just as well as he does and think as deeply as he does. The only difference is that it would probably take me a 1000  yrs whereas he could do it in a few years. In other words, we have to be honest with what we can do and can’t do. Some people are doing jobs that will only work if they bust their guts and ignore all their relationships. 

• Some jobs do not fit our circumstances. The big myth of our world is that work is everything and everything else is nothing. This is a complete lie which has caused untold damage to marriages, families and to people’s walk with the Lord.  Living in this world carries with it many different responsibilities. I am a husband, a father, a friend, a pastor, a son, a brother, a citizen, a neighbour etc, as well as a worker. Living wisely in this world means living within the matrix of these relationships and responsibilities and holding them in the right proportion. Therefore finding the right job is not just about finding a job that pays well and is something I like and can do. Finding the right job means finding a  job that will not cause me to compromise or ignore  my other responsibilities. I remember meeting a guy who was working for a multinational company as a lawyer. He was working 7 days a week and coming home at all hours of the night. He was married with a kid. I had just met the guy but when I heard this I must have been overpowered by the Holy Spirit because I immediately told him (Remember I had just met the guy) to quit his job otherwise he’s going to kill his marriage and his family. Well by God’s grace he didn’t hit me but a few months later he did quit his job and took a post with the public service. He said he is not going to know what to do with all this free time. So I told him to spend it with his wife and daughter.

What this means is that finding the right job is about recognising God’s priority for us which us holiness not expertise. It means having a reality check on what the world is like. it means being honest with ourselves. It means remembering to fulfil our other responsibilities.

So what do you do when you come across two jobs that meets the above criteria? My suggestion –  flick a coin, trust God and aim for holiness.

Tips for budding young preachers

Preaching the Word of God is one of the greatest joy in Christian ministry. How can it be otherwise? To declare the glory of God and His great work in saving people from hell to heaven – this is truly Good News. However great as it is it is still not an easy task. There are so many things to consider when crafting a message and if you’re new at the whole thing it is an even more daunting task. Trying to work through the exegesis, (which involves thinking through the meta-narrative of the bible ie Biblical theology, systematics, church history, etc) understanding where the congregation is at with things,  packaging your sermon and finally thinking through the actual presentation in a 30 min message to a congregation which is always so so diverse in their needs  - this is no easy task. Add to this is the fact that most, if not all of us are already overly busy with so many other demands vying for our time. Trying to squeeze enough time to do justice to the message is a mammoth task. Admittedly it sort of gets easier as the years get along (Sort of!!) but when you’re starting up it’s like juggling a thousand things at the one time and keeping them all up in the air. Crazy as!!!!!

It is a juggling act to say the least but the mistake for many is to over balance in one area at the expense of something else. There are three dangers I’ve observed that most of us preachers, particularly the new ones fall into.

Firstly we can spend far too much time on the exegesis and get bogged down on an exegetical yet controversial issues that we have not give ourselves enough time to thinking through the application. This emphasis on getting the text right undoubtedly comes from a high view of scripture. Many preachers want to make sure they are faithful to the Word of God. But being faithful doesn’t necessarily mean we have to know EVERYTHING abou the text. But that being said we mustn’t forget that the aim of all preaching is not merely to understand what God said to the first audience but what he is saying to US today.

This leads me to the second danger we can fall into. We can jump far too quickly to the application without first thinking through the meaning of the text. The danger here is that our first question is often “What does it mean for ME?” when in fact this should be our second question. We can only ask this question AFTER we have asked the first question “What does it mean?”

The third danger is that we can be more concerned with the packaging and presentation that in the end we might be a good communicator but not a good preacher of God’s word.

You see what I mean that it’s a juggling act?  OK so if we’re starting off in the task of preaching how do we juggle this whole thing? If I can use a dart board illustration, our aim should be to  get the dart on the board before trying to hit the bulls eye. When I was teaching my kids to throw darts my first aim was to help them get the dart on the board. If they hit the bulls eye it was a bonus but I was happy if they got it on the board. Hitting the bulls eye comes with much practice and experience. I think it’s the same for many of us and certainly with many young preachers. Too often young preachers can get so bogged down with one thing that everything else gets forgotten. So my simple tip is to simply get the dart on the board and if you can get this – Great!

What does this mean in practice?It means that when you exegete the text there will still be things  you won’t understand! That’s OK!. I’m sure there is ONE thing you do understand! As one friend said to me many years ago’ “teach what you do know and don’t teach what you don’t know!” Deep but it makes sense. We think we have to know everything about the text before we teach it. No!. Teach what you do know and don’t teach what you don’t know.

And as far as application goes – like exegesis this is something that we develop over time as we gain more life experience and as we understand the people we are preaching to more intimately. And Packaging?? It takes time.

When I taught my kids to throw darts, the most important thing was that they didn’t throw it at me but on to the dart board. As long as they got the dart on to the board everyone was happy, even my kids. With more practice they may hit the bulls eye. It’s the same with preaching. It takes time, experience, much reading, dialoguing, more study etc to craft a message that hits the bulls eye. So when we’re starting out aim for the board. You just might find that you actually hit it.

However that being said, even for  seasoned preachers who have been doing it for years they can still miss the bulls eye. Why? Because at the end of day it is still a work of God. No matter how smart we are. NO matter how much study we’ve done etc it is still the Spirit of God who takes His Word and drives into our heart like a surgeon’s knife to make it do it’s work.  So in all this a spirit of humble prayer goes without saying.

Just some reflections.

To wives: tips on leading your husband spiritually without taking over

While biblically, the husband has been created and called to be the spiritual leader in the marriage and the family, the sad reality is that many of us men have failed miserably in this area. We might be pretty good at taking over companies and running countries (Sort of), but we’ve bombed out miserably in providing strong Christ like leadership. One of the consequence of this is that the women have had to step into the leadership void and try and recover the situation. While the intention is noble and understandable, unfortunately this only exacerbates the problem making the man feel even more inadequate to lead the family.

The men were made to lead the family and if they fail it always changes the dynamics on the home front despite the wife’s best intention. Therefore, whether we like it or not the men need to step up to the plate and play ball. Given how difficult it is for many men to do this what can the women do to help us blokes do what we were called to do when we are so bad at it?

Here are a few reflections.

1. Don’t step into the leadership vacuum. It only makes things worse. It reinforces in the man’s mind that he is not the leader and that the wife is and therefore he consciously hands it over to her. This is disastrous. 
2. Pray for him. In fact one good thing that all women should do when they get together for prayer and bible study is to pray that God will strengthen their husbands in Christ likeness.
3. Ask questions or make suggestions but don’t don’t don’t  tell your husband what to do. Don’t even tell them to lead the family in devotion. In other words don’t take the lead in getting this happening. This again only reinforces in their mind that the wife is in charge and not the husband. The initiative needs to be the husbands. You can suggest or even ask a question but if he is unresponsive then leave it at that. To do otherwise is to effectively take the lead. When this happen the man never learns how to lead.
4. Be patient. Now this is really really really hard yet crucial. The temptation for many women is to jump in and get things organised and happening because, despite all the suggestions etc, nothing is happening. However if God has called the  man to be the spiritual leader then he needs to lead and jumping in to do something does not do anything.  As we all know, a team can only go as far as the leader is prepared to go. To go beyond the leader means that the leader is no longer the leader. What this means is that the wife can make suggestions and offer ideas but at the end of the day the wife needs keep holding back and to be patient and to wait upon the Lord to do His good work in the life of the husband
5. Lead by example. One area the wife can take a lead in is in her own godliness and example. I think we need to take a lead from 1 Peter 3:1-6. Peter  instructs the wives to lead by their quiet example and by this they may be able to win over their husbands.

3:1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives, 2* when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3* Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewellery and fine clothes. 4* Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5* For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands,

Anyway these are just some reflections on what I have seen. What do you think?

What makes a Christian Marriage Christian?

What makes a Christian marriage Christian? Is it simply because the husband and wife are both Christians?

Think about the traditional prohibition we have about a Christian marrying a non- Christian. We often say this is wrong and encourage Christians to marry only Christians. That is fine but I wonder if this is too legalistic and too minimalist in thinking to the extent that it can be actually unblblical. Just because the couple getting married are both Christians does not necessarily mean it is a Christian marriage.

In fact, and very sadly, there are many “Christian” marriages that are far from being Christian. I’m not saying that husband is necessarily bashing his wife or a womaniser or something like this. Indeed they might actually have a good marriage. You can have a couple where the husband and wife are both very nice and loving to each other but this does not necessarily make it Christian, any more than being a good and loving person makes you a Christian. Just because the husband buys his wife a present, takes her out on a date, helps in the kitchen and with the kids, and actually talks to her and find out how she is coming along – this is not necessarily a distinctively Christian thing. It’s a nice thing for sure but it is not a uniquely Christian thing. Many marriage ‘experts’, many of who are unbelievers tell people how to build a good marriage and much of what they say is good stuff.

As a reformed evangelical I do believe in the doctrine of “Total Depravity” however this does not mean that people are bad as they can get and that they cannot do any good. We see many unbelievers doing many good and noble things for others. And if we understand something of the doctrine of ‘common grace’ we know that God has not left the world to it’s own devices completely. He still exercises his restraining hand in this world so that we can still enjoy something of his blessings even within the walls of marriages between unbelievers.

So we come back to the question: What makes a Christian marriage distinctively Christian?

If we take our bearings from that famous marriage passage in Ephesians 5:21-33 I think Paul has some key things to remind us when thinking about building a “Christian” marriage.

Firstly a marriage that is distinctively is seen in the way the wife relates to his husband. She seeks to relate to her husband as the church relates to the Lord Jesus. Her relationship is marked by one key attribute – submission. For any group to work, even if it is a group of only two there is always a need for one to be the leader and the other to be the follower. Even if both are natural leaders one needs to step up to the plate and make the final call. Ever heard of the term ‘back seat driver’? It’s that person who keeps telling the driver what to do even though the driver is driver and not the other guy. One person has to drive. The person in the back seat can make suggestion but at the end of the day the driver has to make the final call. In a similar way in this small group of two God has called the women to let the man be the driver and she needs to submit to him.

But notice that the character of this submission is likened to that of the church to Christ. What this implies is that the wife’s submission it is not a bad or negative thing. Think about it – none of us ever complains that we have to submit to Christ. We all know we need to do this and we don’t have a problem with it. In fact we encourage each other to do this more and more.

If this is the case with us and Jesus then in a more specific way we need to see that this call for the wife to submit to the husband does not need to be or should not be read through the feminist lens but should be read through biblical lens. A Christian marriage is a marriage that has this particular shape about it. But that is not all.

A marriage that is distinctively Christian has the  husband, who dominates the discussion in this section, loving his wife without end and without condition. Indeed his called to love his wife even if it kills him because that is what Jesus did. He loved his wife ie the church. even to the point of dying for the people who rejected him, betrayed him, mocked him and in the end killed him. Jesus put the needs of his wife over and above his own comfort and desires. There was no male Chauvinism in Jesus. As Jesus said ” the son of man did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many” Mark 10:45.

Jesus was not the guy to come home after a long hard day at work, then plonk himself in front of the TV or computer game and tell his wife “Hey woman bring me my slippers and a beer!” Far from it. He is the sort of guy who would have come home after a hard days work in order TO WORK  AT HOME by trying to find out how to help his wife eg. helping to cook or indeed cooking for her, taking care of the kids, or whatever she needed to be done. His work at home only stopped when his wife would say “Thanks for helping. I really needed that help. I”m ok now!” A marriage that is Christian is a marriage that also has this particular shape about it. But that’s not all.

Lastly a marriage that is Christian in marriage is marked by one over riding goal – and that is the desire to be holy and blameless (vs. 26, 27). This is the husband’s desire for his wife, which can only happen if this is the husbands over riding passion for himself. In other words, more importantly than advancing his own career, making more money, building a fine home, having a comfortable lifestyle, having the ability to travel around the world, a marriage that is Christian is marked by a deep desire to be holy and blameless.

Paul tells us that the key to this is the word of God (vs. 26) which is non other than the gospel. Not only this but Paul tells us in 2 Tim 3:14,15 the gospel lies at the heart of the scriptures. So a marriage that is Christian is a marriage that has the gospel at the centre of it’s marriage. A marriage that is Christian is a marriage that is shaped by the gospel. A marriage that is Christian has the reading, study, understanding and obedience of God’s word as a major activity of their life.

To simply say that the only person a Christian can marry is another Christian is right but runs the danger of being very minimalist. While it is right it is not good enough. I would want to suggest that the person you should marry is not just a Christian but a person who will help you build a marriage that is Christian in shape.

Therefore some tips for building a Christian shaped marriage

a. Girls look for a guy whose desire is to be holy and blameless and who loves the bible and seeks to obey it. Look for a guy who loves Jesus and wants to be more and more like him. He will always always love you even if it means giving up his career and hobbies because your needs are more important than his pleasures.

b. Guys look for a girl whose desire is to keep obeying Jesus in all things because she will submit to you.

If you find someone like this then you have a better chance of building a distinctively Christian marriage

Some reflections